Category: wordplay

I was driving down the motorway when i saw “Service station, 3 miles” with a sad face printed below it I thought to myself, that’s a worrying sign

I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep. But I’m afraid they’ll Sue.

What do you call a Jew that doesn’t steal anyone’s money or commit crime? Dead.

I was tidying out the garage and I came across a battered bike. I was going to keep it but I’ve decided Alex Reid can have it back.

Abu Hamza: Taking the ‘lim’ out of Muslim.

I’ve just got new blue eyes and a new blonde wig. I’m saving them for a special Caucasian.

I’d love to set the world record for the furthest sniper kill. But I know it’s a long shot.

Lately, people have been judging me on my profile. But that’s only one side of me.

I was telling the police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed. He asked, “Skimmed past your face?” I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.”

my wife is digging a big hole in the garden. I’m sure she’s plotting her revenge.

Campanology…That rings a bell.

I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson. It must have been the weakest Lynx.

A guy came round to read my meter today. It had the numbers 1 to 100 written on it exactly 1 cm apart.

The only soup John Lennon would eat was Ham. Eventually he decided to give pea’s a chance.

I went to see a medium yesterday. It was pretty average, although I feel mean saying that.