Category: wordplay

So Apple are holding a news conference today. What happens if they don’t hold it correctly?

I called to my mates, ”Will you lend me your car? My wife’s going into labour.” ”I didn’t know she was pregnant.” he said confused. ”She’s not,” I replied, ”She’s covering my shift in the building site while I watch the football.”

Is nothing built in Britain nowadays? I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said it was ‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

I punished my children by having them surgically attached to each other. If you can’t beat them, join them.

I took my wife to watch Celtic play Atletico Madrid tonight, but she kept moaning about how she didn’t like their striker. Foul cow.

Every time my wife and I cheat on each other, we put a flower in a vase to let each other know. We have an arrangement.

My mum lives round the corner from me and since my dad left her she’s felt, ‘lonely and isolated’. So I’ve heard.

Luca Modric is a bit down at the moment because of the whole ‘wanting to leave Tottenham’ saga and it’s my job to keep his spirits up and energise him…. After all i am Luca’s aide.

Having a double personality is good for my alter ego.

I understand the Chilean mine was once involved in a takeover bid by a company called Neilson. Shame it never happened. I could make a killing with my ‘Free Neilson Minedweller’ t-shirts.

I caught my wife with the plumber, So I told her: “It’s over Flo”

Good news: I got entered into the World Agoraphobia Championships. Bad news: I have an outside chance of winning.

You know what floats my Boat? Bouyancy

I was at a small comeback gig for Frankie Goes To Hollywood, when a lunatic ran on stage and halted proceedings. He placed a gun to the lead singers head and shouted near the microphone. “I HATE YOUR MUSIC, I’M GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD.” It seems I most definitely should not have […]

I’ve been out of work for quite some time now. That’s why my boss has threatened to sack me.