Category: wordplay

I had to split up with my girlfriend, ever since she’s become a tour guide in China she’s been doing my head in. In fact the last time i went to visit her she drove me up the Wall.

“What do you think of Ant and Dec?” “Well, Ant is a bit deviant, but Dec is half decent.”

I was tossing and turning all night last night. I work nightshift at a pancake factory.

Wheelchair-bound bank robbers. They won’t get away with it.

My doctor said I have ADD. So he precribed me with SUBTRACT.

A detective was stabbed at a robbery in a bookies today. I’m trying to find out the odds of that happening.

I was tapping some quavers on the piano earlier and I thought, “I wish I’d have bought Monster Munch instead.”

Just had an email saying ‘Time Travel meeting tonight. Starts 1930.’

I don’t care if my friend has OCD. I think he’s a really neat guy.

Just got myself a finger of fudge. I really must get a stronger toilet roll.

The wife woke up gagging this morning. I said “I don’t know, why did the chicken cross the road?”

I’ve just got a clock that tells me how many seconds it’s been since I was born… I’ve had the time of my life with it.

The Romans were the best at persecuting Christians. They nailed it.

Got booked off sick with Gammon flue today. It used to be swine flu, but then I got cured.

The chap who scored the last goal for Chelsea could’ve cut it back to Lukaku. Oh well, Doesn’t Mata