Category: wordplay

My neighbours got angry when I nailed all the gates shut on my street. I should have known it would cause a fence.

I just can’t stop visiting vice girls, they’ve got a grip on me.

My mate said to me, “Whatever you do, don’t mention deordorant.” I said, “Sure, won’t let you down.”

I just found my old ID… Apparently, I’m 72 next week…

I saw some tightrope walkers the other day. What a weird flavour for a packet of crisps.

For the last three weeks I’ve received letters that read ‘innit blud, you is lovin da jerk chickin. Peace.’ I just couldn’t understand it. Turns out I was being black-mailed..

When my girlfriend left me, she took all the sugar we had in the house. I’m still bitter.

I just received my award for builder of the year 2011. All because I drill like a bosch.

My wife said we’ve got to go to the Next sale this weekend. I don’t even remember going to the first one.

I’ve had one of them ‘Chubb’ locks fitted on my front door, works like a dream, I’ve had no fat people round for a week..

I got a nasty shock today and nearly died. My wife flashed before my eyes.

My ex text me today saying, “I know we haven’t spoken in a while but my aunt on my mum’s side died today.” I replied, “I didn’t even notice she had a Siamese twin.”

I have started a newspaper solely based around ice cream, I’ve just had my first scoop.

I was telling my mate, “My son became like a vampire when he reached his teens.” “Why?” he asked. “Is he a pain in the neck and sleeps all day?” “No,” I replied. “Hes dead.”

A mime artist witnessed me rob a bank. I had to give him half to keep his hands shut.