Category: wordplay

I’ve just developed a mathematical equation which when fed into a computer taps out the names of American presidential candidates in Morse code. It’s working well, I’m very pleased with the al-gore-rhythm.

I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday. I didn’t buy one.

I think Lou Reed’s autobiography is a great toilet book

I had to stop being a designated driver. Eventually it drove me to drink.

Amateur Neorological surgery can be nerve wrecking.

I broke up with my girlfriend as soon as she told me she was a catholic. I’m just more of a dog person.

I found my wife covered with jam and pastry. I love it when she gets tarted up for me.

Today my doctor hit my knee with a hammer and made it jerk. The nerve.

I got into trouble drinking whilst behind the wheel yesterday. A pikey caught me fingering his bird at the fairground.

I got a text from my Ex last night. “There is sumthing missin from my hart since u left me”. I replied, “That would be an ‘e’ love”.

“So, two of you fell off the riverboat as it entered the bend?” “Yes” I said, “Meander.”

I was walking down the street with my dogs when this man said, “Are they Jack Russells?” I said, “No, they’re mine.”

I was struggling to remember the last meaningful thing I said to my wife. Then I remembered the time she asked me what the singular of ‘dice’ was.

It’s impossible to cook children food. I can never fit them in the oven.

I’ve just set a seven hour herb eating record. It was thyme consuming.