Category: wordplay

I could complain about my brother being a mute. But then I’m not one to speak.

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irishman. My ex’s are a joke.

I was late for work today, all because I was really wrapped up in an amazing film… Thats the last time I make my own lunch and use cling film.

I’ve just seen the 10,000m final… Looks like Mr Farah was running in fast Mo.

They say What comes around goes around I’ve been trying it for weeks

I was waiting for a train earlier when this drunk pillock started acting up on the platform. He was shouting, swearing, even tried to start on a couple of kids. Then all of a sudden he jumped off the platform and ran across the tracks to hit a guy on the other platform. I thought […]

LIZARD……lizard……..liz…… Is there a Gecko in here?

I once saw Guns N’Roses in Tesco. I thought, “That’s weird, selling them down the same aisle.”

What do you do if your boiler explodes? Buy her some flowers.

I’ve invested in a company who claimed they could get potatoes skinless in minutes but ended up losing a fortune. It sounded appealing at the time.

I used to be a cat burglar but I finally came to my senses: cats don’t have much!

My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?” I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?” “Corey” She replied. “Corey what?” I asked. She said, “Corey Ossity.” I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.”

I feel sorry for zero. It’ll never amount to anything.

I wanted Cheryl Cole to have a Christmas no.1 On my face.

My butcher’s running a tombola and has just sold me a ticket. I’m in for the chop.