Category: wordplay

I have a dilemma. I want to help my wife stop smoking but I also have an overwhelming urge to set her on fire again.

I was just informed that a good friend of mine has tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train. That’s the third time now. He’s got a terrible track record.

I went to a Thai restaurant the other night and ordered chick sticks. So imagine my surprise when the waitress came back with food!

When I hear a newsreader mention the West Bank, I can’t help giggling because in my mind I swap the W and the B around.

Nando’s – The second best way to cover your fingers in a hot birds juices.

I bought a CD which was just the sound of water flowing. I didn’t like it though, it was too main-stream.

I walked in to an ice cream parlour I said “Do you serve sundaes?” He said “No, we’re closed.”

My gran has this antique vase that she said would go for twenty grand “under the hammer”. So I smashed it.

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier. ‘That must be a bird of pray’, I thought.

Billy: Did you hear about that actress that was stabbed in London yesterday? Reese…what’s her face? Timmy: Witherspoon? Billy: No with a knife.

You can imagine my confusion when an invite to the “Eunuch’s Ball” came through the door.

I was walking to work when I came across a guy in a crocodile costume. I asked, “Why are you in a crocodile costume?” He said, “I’m obsessed with them, want me to tell you why?” I replied, “Well, I need to get to work, so make it snappy.”

Goliath was 14 lbs overweight. David was the perfect weight. What a difference a stone makes!

What’s the difference between humour and odour? Humour is a shift of whit……….

A guy tried robbing me at knife point, luckily I managed to disarm him. I’d just bought a chainsaw.