Category: wordplay

I was set up on a blind date with a girl who was obsessed with the metric system, I couldn’t wait to metre.

Working at a restaurant the other day, I walked a couple over to their table. As I left, the man said ‘Ere mate, this table rocks!…’ I said ‘oh your welcome sir’. I laughed to myself and thought, he won’t be so happy when he realises I’ve give them the wobbly one!

I’ve set myself up in a new business venture, as the world’s first postal pimp. Send me your valuables, along with your name and address, and I’ll despatch one of my girls to turn up at your house and ride you silly. Please mark your envelopes ‘Gash For Gold’.

My mate is an astronaut, he used to look down on me. He’s now thankfully been brought down to earth.

I bought one of those leak detectors from B&Q. But all I keep finding is carrots and potatoes….

Hitting on a child: Adding an ‘s’ on the start doesn’t make it any more legal.

I have lost count of all the great comments I get about my abacus.

My mate has a dual personality. He is always running around, hitting people with a sword

Me and my family love a good roast on Sundays. Then we all sit down and have dinner.

Just been watching Blink-182 He’s my mate who has a severe a twitch.

I’ve got a great tip for a horse…. Try sleeping lying down, it’s far more comfortable.

What would you call today if you had a lisp? Friday, thtupid.

I’m sitting in with a psychic to learn the business. At the moment I’m just a sidekick.

Just sat here watching the sun set. I think I’ll make a moon jelly next.

Just talked to the doctor about my crippling leg injury. An amputation is afoot…