Category: wordplay

I am so desperate to become a Hitman, I could literally kill someone.

I was sitting in the cafe with my friend having breakfast. She ate a sausage, one bean, some bacon, one bean, a hash brown, one bean, I looked at her and said, “Eating disorder?” She said, “No I like it in this order.”

BBC News: “Mr Fox challenges foreign aid pledge” Fantastic.

I hate people who mix metaphors. They’re a real pain in the throat.

My missus sent me to the newsagents for an ‘OK’ Magazine… I came back with a sticky Playboy. I asked, “Is this OK?”

My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…

My wife’s on a low fat diet. She eats lard off the floor.

My girlfriend ended up with two black-eyes last night. I can’t believe she fell for the old boot polish on the binoculars trick.

“Did you know ‘quilt’ and ‘cover’ mean the same thing?” “Duvet?”

After his 9.58 seconds 100m finish, many claimed Usain Bolt had used performance enhancing drugs. I wouldn’t be surprised given his track record.

After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died yesterday. We won’t see the likes of him again.

I cooked pancakes this morning… It didn’t go down too well with the kids, he was their favourite rabbit.

My electrified door’s great. You can’t knock it.

My wife stopped me as I was walking through the kitchen this morning and said “why have you got that 100kg block tied around your waist?” “Well you said Ive got to start pulling my weight around the house”

Sickipedia has made me understand. I thought my wife left me because I enjoyed getting my toe nails done by a professional. She would ask me where I had been, and I would say, “I was taking care my pedi-file needs downtown with this sweet young asian girl.”