Category: wordplay

Ill never understand women. My wife has been nagging at me for months to do something constructive. Now Ive finally taken her advice she complains that Im building a wall between us.

I’ve just watched Nip/Tuck. Or as it’s more commonly known, “Rush Hour”.

I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spirit of my former girlfriend materialise at the foot of my bed. I was utterly terrified, I just didn’t ex spectre.

Lately I’ve been really paranoid that my wife is going to cheat on me, so when I heard she fancied Sir Paul McCartney I broke into his house and rigged his guitar to electrocute him. Now that’s one Les Paul to worry about.

I got thrown out of The Open at Wentworth earlier. Apparently, ‘Having a lovely touch around the greens’ is frowned upon when you’re a spectator.

I came out of the front door this morning. Got the Milkman right in the face.

I used to do athletics at school. The hurdles was my favourite event but I had to stop. There were too many obstacles in my way.

I recently went to see Shamu and saw a sign that said “Those in the first three rows will get wet” And sure enough, all of those seats were reserved by women from the Whale fetishist society

When I was a boy I had a pet snake, one day he slithered off and never came back, I cried for weeks. Was I sentimental when I got re-united with him 15 years later? I was choked.

I’m going to throw away my scissors, they just don’t cut it for me anymore.

Violence is never justified. Unless you’ve typed it into Microsoft Word.

At a previous work-place there was a door that had a sign “Depress Lever to Enter”. I used to walk up to it and say, “You are the worst lever in the world”

What did the Geordie say to the Ethiopian? Fly eye man.

Me and my mum have just invented a new type of super glue together. We have a unique bond.

I don’t do observational comedy. I don’t see the point…