Category: wordplay

Fatty foods are bad for you, this is true! In fact I recently spent time in hospital after trying to nick a crisp off Dawn French.

I’m thinking of opening a strip club which has a restaurant upstairs. Bangers ‘n’ Gash.

Doctor: I’ve got the results of your test; you have gonorrhoea, chlamydia and onomatopoeia. Me: What’s onomatopoeia? Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.

like most romans my age i’m XXVII

My girlfriend’s eating for two. I stood her up at the restaurant.

i don’t know how any of them at the paralympics plan on winning, every time i see them they’re legless

My wife insulted my religion last week, so I conducted a full Buddhist ritual before sacrificing her to the Gods. I was charged with premeditated murder.

I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They’re my vipers.

My daughter is obsessed with shoes, and for her birthday she stated she wanted a brand news pair of Vans. What she’s planning to do with two transits ill never know.

I keep getting attacked by the bouncer at my local nightclub. He waits until I’ve paid to get in then stamps on my hand.

I saw Jonathan Ross earlier spraying path clear onto his news paper. “What are you doing, Jonathan?” I asked. “Weeding it,” he replied.

Currys. Ironically the only major chain store that isn’t completely run by foreigners.

Seve Ballesteros was actually called Steve until the first tee off.

I did a parachute jump while suffering with diarrhoea. I hit the ground running.

Our ‘Relate’ Counsellor said my wife and I needed to talk about the elephant in the room. I turned to my wife and said ”see, even she thinks you’re fat”