Category: wordplay

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown. I just wish she’d wear a clean pair of knickers.

BBC News: Taliban chief says victory close second on the left Mr taxi man sir?

I’ve just got one of those divers watches. I had to drown him to get it.

I just bought a tow truck for my new breakdown company… Business should really start to pick up

A fat chick walked up to me the other night in the club, and before she said anything to me, I burst out “Look, no sorry, I’m sure guys point out your obvious flaws, your double chin, your piggy nose, bloated stomach…” “But?” She interrupted. “Yea,” I replied, “thats pretty huge as well”.

This time last year I lost 55lbs. I’m a terrible babysitter.

You know you’re skint when you get caught by a phishing scam and they throw you back.

What do you call a Chinese lumberjack? Chops sticks.

My ex-girlfriend told me to get a life so I took hers

I have a nervous tick. It can’t suck blood with people watching.

Just been in the back garden cutting off some dead heads. Makes it easier to bury the bodies.

I used to steal from Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.

My girlfriend keeps a picture of me in a locket hung around her neck, she thinks it brings us closer together. I think I’m independent.

I left the gas on yesterday and caused an explosion in our house. The missus went through the roof.

Everyones going on about David Schwimmer tying the knot. I don’t know what the big deal is, I didn’t make a fuss when one of my Friends got married.