Category: wordplay

Thcratchcard, thoup, tomatoth, potatoth, thpaghetti, thereal, orange juith, newthpaper. Right, that’s my shopping lisp done, I’m off to Tesco.

I was standing outside a bar smoking last night when a policeman grabbed me by the leg, dragged me to his car and told me I was under arrest. “You can’t drag me along like this!” “I’m only pulling your leg, mate!”

I sneezed and my nose got bigger. A Jew.

Two elephants were having a chat. One said to the other “You know my dad was in showbiz?” “Oh yeah?” the other replied. “Yep, he was a piano”.

Here’s some footage of my ex wife. 5 foot tall. 4 foot wide. 6 foot under.

My mate said I should sell my car and walk to work instead. I said, “no thanks, I’ve been down that path before”

I’ve always had a soft spot for erectile disfunction.

Just seen a homeless bloke climbing Big Ben with his dog. Crowds to see ciderman are crazy.

I don’t like to toot my own horn. That’s why I failed my driving test.

Asymptotes. Can’t touch this.

I found out today that don’t like cliche’s… I guess you learn something new every day.

There are two secrets to life, let me tell you what they are. 1. Don’t tell anyone everything you know…

Lawyer – As you can see, the headline reads, “Gang Wanted For Looting”. Judge – “& your point is?” Lawyer – “Well my clients were simply doing what they were told”

My 2 year old son has just started doing bird impressions. He sits in the garden eating worms.

My girlfriend dumped me over the phone today. I was surprised that she could carry me in the first place.