Category: wordplay

The wife just came home with a leg of lamb, a shoulder, a saddle, half a dozen loin chops, a best end of neck and a rolled breast for five quid! I thought, “That’s sheep.”

My wife said she’s leaving me for an exorcist. I dont know what possessed her.

Whenever people ask what I do for a living I always say I work for the United Nations. Because thinking about it, I have been UN employed for a while now…

I woke up this morning with a spring in my step. My surgeon has an odd sense of humour.

Coffin – The result of heavy smoking.

A doctor removed my appendix the other day. Apparently I shouldn’t have been reading in his office.

Went to a dating event last night and all the girls there seemed to be walking funny. Turns out it was a shingles night.

Officer: “I’m going to have to give you a warning.” Driver: “Fine.” Officer: “If thats what you want.”

I’m going wherever the mood takes me tonight. I’ve told her she can decide where we go out.

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry

Me and the lads went on a ‘pull a pig’ contest. I was declared the winner when I got back from the farm. The farmers wife is a right minger.

My mate keeps boasting that he can ride his bike in reverse. When I asked him to prove it, he started back-pedalling.

Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I’m both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac. I don’t know how to take it.

How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

I took my car to auction yesterday. It didn’t buy anything though.