Category: wordplay

My bird thinks she’s a famous Thespian, because her minge is always being used in gynaecology training videos. I think she’s ovary acting.

I was shocked to hear about Gazza being in a car crash Probably Israels fault, they shouldn’t have put a blockade up

I’ve come up with a talent show idea where you have to impersonate one of the Monty Python team. I’m calling it ‘Eric Idol’.

Thieves broke into the Bradford police headquarters car park in the early hours of this morning and stole the sat-nav units from all the squad cars. Officers are searching for Leeds.

I bought a new chest freezer today. My nipples are now constantly erect

My band is after breaking up and it’s all my fault… I stretched the elastic too far.

I asked a rioter if the army should help. `No tanks,’ replied a Jamaican.

My mate went missing at sea two days ago. They don’t know where he is. So, if you do – answers on a coastguard please.

My time as a Police Officer was a disaster. I must be the only Policeman to get cautioned for wasting Police time.

My wife told me to “make her feel like a million dollars” So I cut her up into small rectangles and neatly stacked her into a briefcase.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax.

When I started my new job in the City, I turned up naked. I got a bit confused, I thought I was learning how to deal with shocks and stares.

I was playing in a football match with some of my work colleagues. My boss had the ball and was running towards the opposition goal; I was quickly following beside him… “Lay me off!” I shouted I no longer have a job.

What do you call an Indian in a cupboard? A hiding Sikh.