Category: stupid

Have you ever punched a nun in the gut and found yourself thinking: “Maybe I over-reacted…”

I got my exam results today and it said I had failed every single one of them. This lad with all A* was leaning of my shoulder looking at my results when he said, “Don’t worry mate, you will get a top of the range council flat with them.” To which I replied.. “It will […]

I have discovered the cause of many recent sleepless nights. My wife has been accidentally buying bottles of ‘Day Nurse.’

Just watching the highlights of the womens tennis at wimbledon, and i’ve not seen this many ova’s since the cricket world cup.

Before entering a restaurant, I seen a sign at the door saying, “Sports jackets may be worn here, but not trousers”. I thought it was a bit weird, but went ahead and took them off anyway.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school. Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

My friend said I didn’t understand how spoonerisms work I told him to Uck Foff

What’s the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, a fly can’t bird.

I said to my new girlfriend, “I’ve got something to confess, I was in prison for murdering my ex wife with a 4 iron.” She looked at me in complete shock. I said, “I know what you’re thinking……Why the 4 iron?……..”

My mate has never broken a promise for as long as I’ve known him. Mind you,he’s never made one either.

I hate confrontation. To be honest, I’d start a fight to avoid it.

I was walking past a take-away today and there was a sign in the window ‘Hot Dogs Served Here’ I walked in and there was a sweaty poodle buying an ice cream.

Me and my wife are just going through a divorce. She has asked for half ofeverything that we had together. I’m just dropping our sons legs around to her now.

The look on the wife’s face each time she stood on the bathroom scale was heartbreaking. So I’ve bought her another one. Now she can stand on both of them at the same time and see her weight reduced by half.

Was chatting with an American bloke the other day. Got sick of him bragging about how New York is the best city in the world so i told him: ‘You do know that New York was founded by Dutch colonies right? He said; ‘don’t you mean found?’ No Founded. To which he replied in a […]