Category: stupid

I’ve just finished converting the engine on my car to go really fast on bubbly chocolate bars. It’s Aero-Dynamic.

I’ve just brought my baby son some trainer socks… He’s not ready for normal socks just yet.

What do you call people from Qatar? Qatarpillars

I just saw an advert for a new Ford. They come with an “Intuitive HMI dashboard”. I mean who wouldn’t want a Human Machine Interface, or steering wheel, as it’s better known.

A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. “What’s seems to be the problem?” asked the psychiatrist. “Well it’s not me with the problem.” Said the woman, “It’s my husband, he thinks he’s a duck.”

I grew up in London but went to school in Scotland. I was tired when I got home on an evening.

Some old lady dropped her bag outside Tesco this morning. My wife looked at me and said, “Well, don’t just stand there.” So I started doing star jumps.

It’s always a bewildering moment when you’re on a camping holiday, then hear the doorbell.

I walked it to the kitchen last night and my wife was cooking completely naked. “Why have you got no clothes on?” I asked. She replied, “Because the recipe said simmer uncovered.”

My wife thinks I’m a terrible cook. She hasn’t tried my lamb strudel.

My Irish mate said, “C’mon help me rob this bank. I’m all set to go now.” “You can’t be serious.” “I am. It’ll be hard for them to identify me with this ski mask on.” “Maybe, but those skis will make it easy to catch you.”

I was having a heart to heart with my very successful, famous son earlier when he said: “It’s not easy being a household name you know.” “Nonsense” I said, “it’s never held you back has it Bathroom?”

I used to hate eating my greens as a kid. For some reason they tasted worse than the other crayons.

A psychiatrist asked his patient “What is 7 x 5”. His patient answers “10,000”. “Interesting”, thought the shrink. He asked his next patient the same question. “The answer is Sunday”. “Interesting”, thought the shrink. He asked his next and final patient the same question. “The answer is 35”. “Perfect! How did you work that out!?” […]

I’ve been up all night interrogating an egg… I think he’s about to crack.