Category: stupid

I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

My wife has this very annoying habit, It takes up half the wardrobe.

I was haggling with a shopkeeper earlier. I said, “Come on mate. You know how this works. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” He said, “Sir, I haven’t got all day. Do you want this backscratcher or not?”

My wife tells me that I snore a lot. Stayed up the other night to see if I could hear myself… not a thing

Me and the wife decided to join forces earlier. She doesn’t like it, but I think Polambufire sounds good.

I saw a poster saying, “If you’ve seen this man, please contact us. 1000 reward.” So I phoned them up and said, “I seen him on the bus a few months ago.” Just waiting on the cash now.

I always clean my entire house religiously. Once for Easter, once for Christmas.

Are there any other sleepwalkers out there that do anything else other than just walk around? I’m just wandering.

Since I lost my job, I’ve been eating into my savings. But in hindsight, I should have just spent it on food.

I’m not Capitalist BUT, I do think there are too many Londoners in this country.

Domestic violence. Putting the ‘woman’ back into kitchen.

What’s white and disrupts your lunch? An avalanche.

I met my mate in the pub last night for some serious drinking.. We sat there in our suits and frowned the whole time.

What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff

My new wife just said that I’m making my Step-Son feel like he’s invisible. I said, “I didn’t know you had any kids.”