Category: puns

Smashed my girlfriends face earlier What a food fight that was

The local mafia keep drawing crosses and ticks on me – think I’m a marked man.

My local laundrette has started up an internet service wash. They wash your clothes for you and then dry them online.

To make myself seem taller, I started to hang around with people shorter than me. It worked really well, until all the concerned parents started to complain.

I got into a fight with an Irish pub landlord last night. My girlfriend dumped me for throwing a paddy.

The girls down at the local gym are quite fit. I haven’t been able to catch one yet.

My neighbour was lopping branches off his conifers the other day using a swordfish. When I asked him why he was doing that he said “Swordfish? The guy in the shop told me it was a tree sturgeon.”

My local supermarket had a ‘GIANT SALE’ on this weekend. I bought 4… Not sure where to put them, though.

Just after noticing that the Spanish are getting a lot of praise for their good defense. I disagree I think they Arbeloa professional standard.

I eat Burger King at every whoppertunity.

My wife asked me to wax her bikini line. She can go and pluck herself!

I finally plucked up the courage to trump infront of my girlfriend and her parents last night. First trick I’ve ever won at Bridge.

I stole an oven a couple of hours ago. I’m still waiting for the heat to die down.

Just watched “Big Meets Bigger” it was on 4+1

In his will, my Grandad left me a Victorian device for weaving wigs for yourselves and your children. It’s an old family heirloom.