My girlfriend complains t …
My girlfriend complains that the light is too dim in our house. Watts the problem.
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I love my new job as an a …
I love my new job as an animal trainer. I’m currently teaching young crows. They’re battling with the alphabet though. They can’t grasp the concept of going from A to B.
Continue ReadingAccording to the new Cow …
According to the new Cow and Gate advert, ‘some babies don’t get enough iron’. In all fairness, it is a bit dark down in the mines.
Continue ReadingComputers are like air co …
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
Continue ReadingI bought a Christmas tree …
I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so we had to cut the top off. Didn’t really mind, I’ve always wanted a convertible.
Continue ReadingI saw a frozen metal pole …
I saw a frozen metal pole and wrote on it the reason why I do bad things. Then my perversions took hold of me and I just couldn’t help but lick it. Thats my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
Continue ReadingTwitter: The only way you …
Twitter: The only way you can legally follow children.
Continue ReadingGravity is a law. Lawbrea …
Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!
Continue ReadingI’m writing a book about …
I’m writing a book about the wonders of blood. However, in the next chapter I’m going to talk about the dangers of platelet disorders. The clot thickens.
Continue ReadingNext time I’m on a job in …
Next time I’m on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I’m going to say “don’t know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea”.
Continue ReadingI watch Loose Women every …
I watch Loose Women every day. These new binoculars are great.
Continue ReadingI’m not saying my mate is …
I’m not saying my mate is a nerd but the closest he’ll ever get to a supermodel is a good Airfix kit.
Continue ReadingThe lawsuit made Abercrom …
The lawsuit made Abercrombie and Fitch realise the disabled girl wasnt as armless as theyd once thought.
Continue ReadingI would give both my hand …
I would give both my hands to be able to read Braille.
Continue ReadingThe Coroner has removed a …
The Coroner has removed a horses head from the flat of Amy Winehouse, unfortunately its still attached to her body
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