I mixed up my anti-perspi …
I mixed up my anti-perspirant with my anti-depressant last night, and now my arms won’t go back down.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
We’re really hoping the b …
We’re really hoping the baby will start walking today. If not, we’ll have to drive all the way back to Tescos to get it.
Continue ReadingSeen a play put on by a h …
Seen a play put on by a homeless theatre group last night. It was a poor show.
Continue ReadingAbout 90 percent of peopl …
About 90 percent of people on my Facebook account seem to have a mirror fetish, so I write everything backwards so they can read it.
Continue ReadingSky news – ‘Victims famil …
Sky news – ‘Victims family release CCTV of fatal attack’ It’s available now on Amazon, 4.99.
Continue ReadingThere was an out of date …
There was an out of date pint in the fridge at work and I told them I would take it home for my cornflakes, but replace it with some fresh the next day. You can’t believe the fuss they made about it at the blood bank.
Continue ReadingI got into an argument wi …
I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, “I know where you live.” I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn’t true.
Continue ReadingExample of Irony: Pointin …
Example of Irony: Pointing out somebody else’s ironic failure only to be guilty of the same mistake.
Continue ReadingCoffee is for Cups See, j …
Coffee is for Cups See, just doesn’t have the same effect does it?
Continue ReadingMy wife thinks I’m too ha …
My wife thinks I’m too hard on the kids when it comes to punishment. If she has a problem with it, she should take it up with the discipline shark.
Continue ReadingI sold loads of fake t-sh …
I sold loads of fake t-shirts on the market today. No one noticed they were vests.
Continue ReadingI joined a line of people …
I joined a line of people outside the taxidermists. An animal rights activist approached and said, “What’s going on?” I said, “Fur queue.” He said, “There’s no need to be rude.”
Continue ReadingThe problem with mythical …
The problem with mythical creatures is they all want to be the centaur of attention.
Continue ReadingI was beaten and abused b …
I was beaten and abused by my father as a child. He always did take our garden football matches quite seriously.
Continue ReadingI got my wife a table at …
I got my wife a table at one of the most exclusive restaurants in London last night. It was outside in a skip at the back.
Continue Reading