I’ve been in negotiations …
I’ve been in negotiations with suppliers over sushi prices and we’ve finally been able to compromise to an expensive price. In the end I got a raw deal.
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I brought my wife a jigsa …
I brought my wife a jigsaw with the words “You are really fat” on the front. Don’t know why she got so upset, it was only a bit of constructive criticism.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend asked me if …
My girlfriend asked me if i knew a word that had all 5 vowels in it. I said “It’s questionable…..”
Continue ReadingOut of nowhere my mate no …
Out of nowhere my mate nominated me to say a few words at his brother’s wedding. I was speechless.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a librar …
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on curiosity. The librarian asks, “What do you want to read that for?”
Continue ReadingMy fake plants died becau …
My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.
Continue ReadingI’ve been struggling to f …
I’ve been struggling to find work for six months. I knew I should never have opened that camouflage shop.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Man and boy die …
BBC News: Man and boy die in chip pan fire. Must have been a very big chip pan?
Continue ReadingA psychic once told me th …
A psychic once told me that my kid’s names would always be up there in lights and she was right. I called one Taxi and the other one Burger King.
Continue ReadingMum buys the most authent …
Mum buys the most authentic Indian curry.
Continue ReadingI’ve recently been workin …
I’ve recently been working on making furniture out of dough. Right now I’m on a roll.
Continue ReadingI’ve got Ravi Shankar com …
I’ve got Ravi Shankar coming over tomorrow but now he says he’s bringing his kid and do I “have anything they can play a duet on”? I’ve got him sorted but there’s no way I’m going to find a baby sitar on Christmas eve.
Continue ReadingI went for a job intervie …
I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me what my current status was “Great night out with the lads” I replied
Continue ReadingMoney Saving Expert Dilem …
Money Saving Expert Dilemma: “Cat has licked the Sunday roast, should we eat it?” No, what a stupid question, there’s not even any good meat on a cat.
Continue ReadingYou know, I’m sick of fol …
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later
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