As I finished my conversa …
As I finished my conversation, I hung up and walked into the kitchen. My wife said, “Who was just on the phone?” I said, “Me.”
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I was in school today whe …
I was in school today when my teacher handed me a piece of paper that told me to write everything I know about World War 2. I wrote on the paper, “en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_War_II”
Continue ReadingFor several years, I live …
For several years, I lived in a squat. I’ve had trouble standing upright ever since.
Continue ReadingWent on a family holiday …
Went on a family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba. Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony.
Continue ReadingA lot of Asians got a bit …
A lot of Asians got a bit carried away with that Tsunami
Continue ReadingI swear my wife will be t …
I swear my wife will be the debt of me.
Continue ReadingI’m in a band called FAT3 …
I’m in a band called FAT32. We don’t do more than three gigs at a time.
Continue ReadingBBC News – Gang groomed a …
BBC News – Gang groomed and abused teenagers. Well, at least they made the victims look nice before they did it.
Continue ReadingI was out on my first dat …
I was out on my first date with a girl from work and she asked “are you more of a cat or dog person”? ‘As long as there’s some tomato sauce I’ll eat anything!’ I replied.
Continue ReadingAs I crouched behind the …
As I crouched behind the counter trying silently to indicate to police – ‘The burglar’s in the bedroom’ – parts of my life flashed before my eyes. Mainly, my family telling me I’ve always been horrible at charades.
Continue ReadingMy children had an accide …
My children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning. Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids.
Continue ReadingA man goes into a library …
A man goes into a library and doesn’t ask for a book. Instead he uses his own eyes and common sense. This places no burden on the librarian, who subsequently has no need to say anything.
Continue ReadingI’ve just been admitted i …
I’ve just been admitted into a mental hospital, apparently I suffer from autism. Yesterday, one of the nurses walked by my bed: “Excuse me love, do you know when I’m getting out of here, there’s nothing wrong with me!” “Oh, not for some time I’m afraid. You have a severe case of autism where you […]
Continue ReadingI was lucky enough to see …
I was lucky enough to see Rooney messing about at the training pitch and he bagged a screamer. The next day it was a squirter, then a 70 year old.
Continue ReadingI moved to America to try …
I moved to America to try and make money from telling jokes but… None of them make any cents.
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