I was in the pub late last night, when I said to my mate “I can see it being very frosty in the morning.” “How can you tell that?” he asked. “Simple really” I replied. “I told my wife I would be home hours ago.”
Continue ReadingLook at the state of Englands training camp in Poland. If only they had the builders to finish it.
Continue ReadingI saw two homeless people up at the butcher’s tonight. It’s about time really. The smell of their rotting bodies is starting to make my neighbours suspicious.
Continue ReadingMy son’s going to feel really silly when he realises he’s got a parachute on his back today. But not as silly as my wife’s going to feel when she to releases 30 school books in mid air when she does her charity jump later.
Continue ReadingI was sacked from my job working for Samsung today, all because I was selling the latest tablets. Apparently its not permitted to sell drugs on the shop premises.
Continue ReadingI saw a woman lying unconscious in the High Street today. People were just walking past and ignoring her. My mate asked, “Why has no-one stopped to help her? It’s disgusting.” I said, “Well that’s society today, I’m afraid. Poor woman, people just don’t care any more… Anyway, fancy something to eat… Stick the sirens […]
Continue ReadingLiam Hilton: Glasgow’s tribute act to Liverpool’s most electric one hit wonder.
Continue ReadingI havent got any skeletons in my closet. I prefer to preserve my victims in formaldehyde.
Continue ReadingI was with my dog on the high street earlier when this woman came up and said “What a beautiful Labrador” I couldn’t see it myself
Continue ReadingSave money on petrol by quitting your job.
Continue ReadingYou can’t put a price on Happiness ….unless it’s the brand of washing powder called Happiness and you work as a shelf-stacker in Lidl’s
Continue ReadingPencils: for people who plan on making mistakes.
Continue ReadingI’ve just got back from Rome, their TV is behind the times They don’t even call it ITV +1 out there, they call it IITV.
Continue ReadingI went to the box office earlier, Or as homeless people call it, the estate agents.
Continue ReadingNo matter how much flour I use, I can never raise a child.
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