My wife said that I need …
My wife said that I need to stop being so unsure about things… I think…
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I was in the pub celebrat …
I was in the pub celebrating winning 100 million on the lottery when my ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, “Sure, it’s the least I can do” She said, “What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much” I said, “Alright love, calm down. Fosters or Carling?”
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between a baby and a banana? I don’t get a hard on peeling a banana.
Continue ReadingSophie’s best bits? I’ve …
Sophie’s best bits? I’ve been staring at them for 93 days.
Continue ReadingWhy did the chicken cross …
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wandered out of my farm on FarmVille.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Chile miners sh …
BBC News: Chile miners shown in new video. It’s going to be a follow up to a viral video that took the Internet by storm a few years back. 33miners1pickaxe.
Continue ReadingI got fired in my first d …
I got fired in my first day as a taxi driver today. Apparently “Go to wheelchair-bound Mrs Smith’s house and take her up the bingo” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.
Continue ReadingFor every dollar that a m …
For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes seventy cents. Thats not fair. It only leaves the man with thirty.
Continue ReadingThis is how they describe …
This is how they describe the characteristics of a psychopath. “A pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of empathy or remorse, shallow emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or recklessness.” Now…Doesn’t that […]
Continue ReadingI got stopped by customs …
I got stopped by customs at the airport earlier. I was asked, “Sir, do you have anything to declare?” “Yeah,” I said. “The Jews are evil.”
Continue ReadingYesterday I tried to carv …
Yesterday I tried to carve ‘The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ out of a big piece of wood with a knife. But I did it wrong, and ended up with a load of Splinters.
Continue ReadingOk so we lost, let’s not …
Ok so we lost, let’s not make Emile out of it.
Continue ReadingI looked at my watch this …
I looked at my watch this morning and noticed that it was covered with something sticky. Then I heard someone knocking my door so, still confused about my watch, I went to answer it and saw the Grim Reaper standing there! That’s when I realised that my time had come.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Amanda Holden and Pizza Express? Pizza Express can manage a delivery.
Continue ReadingMy wife is always getting …
My wife is always getting on at me because I don’t take the bins out. I finally gave in. I got some strange looks at the pub though.
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