People say I couldn’t hur …
People say I couldn’t hurt a fly, Well only if I forgot the lube.
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“I’m flying without wings …
“I’m flying without wings.” So you’re just walking then?
Continue ReadingWhen I was a kid my dad t …
When I was a kid my dad told me that the man must bring home the bacon in the household. But I went one better – I married a pig.
Continue ReadingThere was this aggressive …
There was this aggressive guy at the gym earlier He was throwing his weight around.
Continue ReadingJust bought a jacket on e …
Just bought a jacket on ebay with buy it now and got an email saying ‘Congratulations! You won the item’ Shouldn’t I get my money back then?
Continue ReadingAll Hitler really wanted …
All Hitler really wanted to do was make the world a fairer place.
Continue ReadingI went to the library and …
I went to the library and said to the man, “Have you got a book on directions?” “No mate,” he replied. “This is the butcher’s.”
Continue ReadingI stole 300 quids worth o …
I stole 300 quids worth of O2 Top-Up vouchers this morning from the local newsagents, with some help from a mate. I won’t take all the credit.
Continue ReadingI don’t mean to alarm any …
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but…. NEE NAW NEE NAW.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend kept moanin …
My girlfriend kept moaning about an itch on her back but I was refusing to help. I wasn’t up to scratch.
Continue ReadingCrouching tiger, hidden d …
Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. The day out at the zoo wasn’t a success.
Continue ReadingMy wife and I were having …
My wife and I were having a little argument about what had happened during our recent holiday to Egypt. I protested that I never went swimming. She said I was in denial.
Continue ReadingI hate when people make j …
I hate when people make jokes out of the names of evil dictators. I dont see whats saddam funny about it. I can see myself hearing these Osama
Continue ReadingWhen a hipster tree falls …
When a hipster tree falls in a forest, it makes a sound, but you probably haven’t heard it before.
Continue ReadingMy dad said hes sick of s …
My dad said hes sick of spending time on the canvas. He’s not an artist, hes Audley Harrison
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