Due to cutbacks, the Gove …
Due to cutbacks, the Government has announced the UK will only be entering one contestant in the synchronised swimming event at the 2012 Olympics. How can anyone sync solo?
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Last Halloween my son wen …
Last Halloween my son went as Humpty Dumpty. When somebody asked for a trick, I picked him up and threw him through their window.
Continue ReadingI got beaten up by a guy …
I got beaten up by a guy with a big nose and curly hair. I think he knew jew-jitsu.
Continue ReadingFacebook: A way to keep u …
Facebook: A way to keep up to date with all the parties I haven’t been invited to.
Continue ReadingDon’t trust your heart! …
Don’t trust your heart! It’s not on the right side…
Continue ReadingThe banks are like family …
The banks are like family. Always there for you, but if you need money They don’t know who you are.
Continue ReadingIf moths are attracted to …
If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal? Kind of like a pedophile working at a retirement home.
Continue ReadingMy dealer said we need to …
My dealer said we need to start doing business on the down low and try and take some of the heat away. So now I lie on the floor selling crack with all of the windows open.
Continue ReadingI met a gorgeous girl at …
I met a gorgeous girl at a club last night. After a few drinks we got to know each other quite well. At the end of the night, instead of exchanging numbers, she said “Facebook me”, and smiled.} So I hit her in the eye with my Oxford Pocket Dictionary.
Continue Reading“What do we want?” “More …
“What do we want?” “More music compilations.” “When do we want it?” “Now, 156.”
Continue ReadingI was telling a funny gag …
I was telling a funny gag in the the garden today, but the punchline was greeted with silence. Later on, my brother told the same one in the lounge, and the room erupted with laughter. I think it was an inside joke.
Continue ReadingI asked for a pay rise at …
I asked for a pay rise at work because I’m the most able and end up having to spoon feed everyone there. Apparently that’s expected when you work with disabled people.
Continue ReadingI was reading one of thos …
I was reading one of those women’s magazines yesterday. It was OK.
Continue ReadingPeter Andre is “still tor …
Peter Andre is “still tortured by Katie Price split”? I can sympathise, I feel sick just thinking about her split.
Continue ReadingI was eating a Granny Smi …
I was eating a Granny Smith earlier. She didn’t seem to know what was happening but at least she was grateful.
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