I love the ‘you break it …
I love the ‘you break it you buy it’ rule. I’ve always wanted a disabled Hamster.
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I’d stupidly let slip tha …
I’d stupidly let slip that I’d got a special treat for the wife’s birthday and we were to go diving. Well out came her credit card and she had to have the very best.. pink wetsuit, pink snorkel, pink flippers. Still they didn’t do her much good in the end. When the plane door opened.
Continue ReadingObese – a term not to be …
Obese – a term not to be taken lightly.
Continue ReadingMe and my mate are both u …
Me and my mate are both undertakers, and to make it interesting we decided to have a bet on where we’d find our next dead body. As we entered the crime scene I thought to myself…. It’s in the bag.
Continue ReadingMy son was convinced he’d …
My son was convinced he’d seen a ufo yesterday. I told him it could be just a balloon but he still sat there all day with his ionosphere.
Continue ReadingI was gonna download the …
I was gonna download the Adele app. But it wouldn’t fit on my phone.
Continue ReadingMy doctor said to me ‘Hav …
My doctor said to me ‘Have you ever spoken about your chromosomes?’ I said ‘Only with my ex, why?’
Continue ReadingI was sat in a dressing r …
I was sat in a dressing room last night.. There was vinegarette everywhere!
Continue ReadingDogs are clever because t …
Dogs are clever because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it’s theirs. Imagine if people did that, the homeless would own everything.
Continue Reading“less is more” Nope, more …
“less is more” Nope, more is more.
Continue ReadingI saw a sign saying ‘wet …
I saw a sign saying ‘wet paint’ on the library wall and decided to do my good deed for the day… And threw a bucket of water at the wall.
Continue ReadingO.A.P drivers. The littl …
O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as “Fifth Gear”. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.
Continue ReadingSometimes when I’m bored …
Sometimes when I’m bored I like to fill my bath up with water and turn on the shower so I can pretend I’m in a submarine that just got hit.
Continue ReadingHow do you tell if a ghos …
How do you tell if a ghost is straight? Use a spirit level.
Continue ReadingI got a job at Cadbury’s …
I got a job at Cadbury’s and was told I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted for free. Yes guys, I’m living the American dream.
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