I’ve invented a kitchen t …
I’ve invented a kitchen that can wash your clothes, clean up, do the ironing and cook you a meal all from a simple electronic letter from your computer. I call it a fe-mail.
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Save on unnecessary laund …
Save on unnecessary laundry by simply attaching a strip of Gaffer Tape to the gusset area of your favourite undies every couple of days as a handy skid catcher.
Continue ReadingI was on this line that m …
I was on this line that met a geometrical curve at a common point without actually intersecting its surface……….sorry, I went off on a tangent there.
Continue ReadingIt was the first day of s …
It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family. “And what does your Daddy do?” “He’s a magician.” “That must be exciting” What tricks can he do?” “He can saw people in half.” “That is clever. And, tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?” […]
Continue ReadingAfter an unusually high g …
After an unusually high gas bill, my wife asked me to check the meter. It was spot on. One hundred centimetres exactly.
Continue ReadingWhen I was younger my Gra …
When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa’s back when he was ill. He went down hill fast after that.
Continue ReadingI asked my medium to summ …
I asked my medium to summon up the ghosts of Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg, but she had no seance of humour.
Continue ReadingNot many people knew that …
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on. His name was Frank Einstein
Continue ReadingIt’s a strange world we l …
It’s a strange world we live in… …a world where the film ‘Grease’ makes more money than the country ‘Greece’.
Continue ReadingI’ve decided to take up n …
I’ve decided to take up netball. I was a professional basketball player, but I couldn’t stand all the travelling.
Continue ReadingThe Wife rang me Earlier …
The Wife rang me Earlier “Its Ash Wednesday, do you want Fish Fingers later?” “No” I replied “Can you have a shower first”
Continue ReadingI got fired from my job a …
I got fired from my job as the local gynaecologist the other day. I guess I didn’t pull my finger out.
Continue ReadingThose stair lifts that ol …
Those stair lifts that old people use…. They drive me up the wall.
Continue ReadingI’m confused. I’ve looked …
I’m confused. I’ve looked at my friends’ pictures, and their friends’ pictures; and their friends’ friends’ pictures. Why are there no black people on facebook?
Continue ReadingToday I was preparing my …
Today I was preparing my great-grandad’s funeral , and the undertaker asked me “What would you like your papa’s tombstone to be like?” Shocked, I replied by saying “Vertically on his head if it’s quick and painless.” You had to be there to know what it’s like to talk to a professional wrestler.
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