I want to go into busines …
I want to go into business as a Barber, but the bank told me I need a shavings account first.
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I’ve just walked in on my …
I’ve just walked in on my missus with one of Goldfingers henchmen. I asked, “What have I told you about doing odd jobs around the house?”
Continue ReadingI watched a programme the …
I watched a programme the other day about couples with vomit fetishes… Those people are sick as they come.
Continue ReadingAs I was holding my son i …
As I was holding my son in my arms for the first time, the missus asked, “How does it feel?” “Well, I’m guessing With it’s hands like us.” I replied.
Continue ReadingA bloke approached me in …
A bloke approached me in the pub and offered me the chance to be cloned for 1,000. I thought: “Someone’s trying to dupe me.”
Continue ReadingThey say the imagination …
They say the imagination is unlimited? Describe to me a completely new colour….
Continue ReadingThe best thing about excl …
The best thing about exclamation marks is that you can use them to hide how truly alone and depressed you really are!!!
Continue ReadingI can’t believe Comic Rel …
I can’t believe Comic Relief worked to raise over 74,000,000 for African children. Don’t they realise that they can do it for only 2 a month?
Continue ReadingI had to laugh earlier. I …
I had to laugh earlier. I was inhaling nitrous oxide.
Continue ReadingA nagging wife is like a …
A nagging wife is like a dripping tap… Until the plumber comes round and fixes it.
Continue ReadingFacebook is a lot of hard …
Facebook is a lot of hard work.. I had to create a second account for my right hand, just so I could tell the world I was ‘in a relationship’ with it…
Continue ReadingI picked up a 99p copy of …
I picked up a 99p copy of Avatar the other day. Compared to the 1080p version, the quality is atrocious.
Continue ReadingI often wonder what peopl …
I often wonder what people say when they’re leaving each other in foreign languages. I’m bye-curious.
Continue ReadingAt my funeral, I want the …
At my funeral, I want the the vicar to say “in the end, the risk far outweighed the chocolate biscuit”.
Continue ReadingThe government have annou …
The government have announced new anti-terror laws that will ban trainspotting. I don’t think this will stop them. If anything, it will just force them underground.
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