Its said that opposites a …
Its said that opposites attract, which is true with me and my wife. She likes to help homeless people back onto their feet, whilst I like to kick them to the ground.
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I saw a sign in a buildin …
I saw a sign in a building that said ‘in case of a fire, please exit the building calmly.’ It wasn’t until I got outside I was informed that didn’t apply to us firemen.
Continue ReadingMy wife has recently had …
My wife has recently had a face job, paid for by the richest most powerful brewers in Belgium.. Stella..
Continue ReadingWomen, if you eat out by …
Women, if you eat out by yourself I’d like to join you, you’re very flexible.
Continue ReadingDid you know if you left …
Did you know if you left a childs teeth in a bowl of coca cola overnight they would drown
Continue ReadingI found a wallet on the b …
I found a wallet on the bus today. It had in it a wad of cash and 2 major credit cards, I couldn’t believe my luck. It was made out of real leather!
Continue ReadingHad a great day at the be …
Had a great day at the beach with all the family. The kids buried their mother in the sand, we all had ice cream and rides on the donkeys and, at the end of the day we packed up and walked back to the car. That’s when my daughter said “What about mum?” I said […]
Continue ReadingTeaching an English lesso …
Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors: “I ain’t had no fun in months” “Now, how should I correct this sentence.” “Get a new boyfriend,” said Little Johnny.
Continue ReadingSome black guy broke into …
Some black guy broke into my house last night. Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.
Continue ReadingI love cooking children a …
I love cooking children and dogs but I hate punctuating my sentences
Continue ReadingI tried to cook lobster f …
I tried to cook lobster for my wife and I’s anniversary dinner. It went to pot.
Continue ReadingI was playing Call Of Dut …
I was playing Call Of Duty on Xbox when my mum walked in. “I’m sick of you staying indoors all the time.” she moaned. “I have a good excuse,” I replied, “This particular building is a great vantage point to kill off unsuspecting noobs.”
Continue ReadingMy friend got the job wri …
My friend got the job writing the soundtrack for the new Kenneth Branagh film. He made a Thor tune.
Continue ReadingTraffic Police Woman: Not …
Traffic Police Woman: Not a profession, but the bullet points of my witness statement.
Continue ReadingI despise people who fabr …
I despise people who fabricate historical facts… So did Winston Churchill’s boyfriend.
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