I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor. Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990, the police said I had a history of violins.
Continue ReadingIf seal is broken… Please inform the zoo keeper.
Continue ReadingI can’t help it. Everytime I take a girl to bed, I end up stabbing her in the eyes. And Mum’s always told me off for my ffffing and blinding.
Continue ReadingI think later I will be suffering from either constipation or diarrhoea. I have no medical basis for this. Just a gut feeling.
Continue ReadingI boned my wife while she was asleep last night. You should have seen her face when she woke up this morning and found she’d been completely filleted.
Continue ReadingWhenever I’m asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same. Lowry.
Continue ReadingI’m never getting one of those Multi Vehicles. Have you seen how many of them have accidents on the Motorway?
Continue ReadingI felt awful when my wife was attacked the evening after I stole pepper-spray from her purse. Then to top things off, she nearly choked to death on the spaghetti bolognese I made her.
Continue ReadingMy 14 year old son was expelled from school today because of his facebook status. Josh and his girlfriend Stacey were doing voluntary work at a mammal rescue centre and due to the high volume of work he didn’t have time to write a detailed status. So he just wrote…. Josh Varney is getting wood […]
Continue ReadingMe and you love, we’re like an excited nucleus of U-236…we have to split up.
Continue ReadingBBC News: “McDonalds to launch own degree.” It seems ‘3rd degree burns’ doesn’t quite emphasise just how hot their coffee is.
Continue ReadingMy loft has just been converted, It’s now Muslim and won’t let me in unless I take my shoes off
Continue ReadingI got a blowup doll so i can ride in the car pull lane… the fact that one thing might have lead to another is nether here nor there
Continue ReadingI was at a party last night. Me and my friend could see people queuing, My friend asked me “Go to the front of that line and see if that’s the queue for the punch” Turns out it was, I have 2 black eyes and a broken jaw…….
Continue ReadingI started karate for beginners today. I walked through the door and said, “Hiya” The instructor said, “You want karate for intermediates. Next door, mate”
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