I used to really fancy my …
I used to really fancy my piano teacher when I was a kid and I was always eager to impress her. Unfortunately I misheard her when she said it was time to master Beethoven.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
I like to pay off my drug …
I like to pay off my drug dealer first before paying any money I owe to the bank. Bank managers don’t generally come round with a couple of gorillas wielding baseball bats.
Continue ReadingSKY NEWS: Prince William …
SKY NEWS: Prince William wants frontline duty. He says he likes treating cats and dogs with fleas.
Continue ReadingBBC Sci-Tech News: “Bacte …
BBC Sci-Tech News: “Bacteria have a sense of smell.” So there’s no bacteria in France then.
Continue ReadingI must be allergic to exe …
I must be allergic to exercise.. Every time I do it my heart starts racing and I break out into a sweat.
Continue ReadingI’m selling a box of tiny …
I’m selling a box of tiny little tin foil cubes. It’s water-damaged stock.
Continue ReadingA girl i’ve been dating s …
A girl i’ve been dating said she doesn’t want to see me anymore. So i poked both her eyes out.
Continue ReadingI always pack a carton in …
I always pack a carton in my son’s bag… The kids at his school pay top prices for cigarettes.
Continue ReadingThe wife just said “there …
The wife just said “there’s a Christmas sale on boats, shall we get one?” “We could do” I said, “but it’s going to look a bit daft at any other time of year.”
Continue ReadingI was chilling out at hom …
I was chilling out at home with my mate this morning when suddenly my dog walked in from the garden with a bird in his mouth. He dropped the bird on the carpet and it was wriggling around in pain. My mate looked at me with a confused face and said, “Isn’t it usually cats […]
Continue ReadingMy car won’t start becaus …
My car won’t start because the breathaliser that they fitted after I got my last DUI says I’m at twice the limit. Which AA should I call?
Continue ReadingIf when asked to work som …
If when asked to work some overtime, do night shift workers phone home and say “Sorry love, I have to work early.”?
Continue ReadingJust had an argument with …
Just had an argument with the Wife. She thought that she had lost half a stone, until I correctly pointed out that the digital scales were on the blink and were always showing 6 pounds lighter than they should be. She was stroppy at first, but she soon saw the error of her weighs.
Continue ReadingWhy do people always say …
Why do people always say “That’s the best part of a 1000 gone”? What do they mean ‘best part’? 1000 is a lot of money, there’s not exactly a bad part.
Continue ReadingI started talking to a bu …
I started talking to a bunch of people standing in a circle. I’m never going to hear the end of it.
Continue Reading