There is no “I” in TEAM, …
There is no “I” in TEAM, but there is an “M” and an “E”
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I drove my car into work …
I drove my car into work today. Now I owe my boss 5 desks, 4 computers and a new brick wall.
Continue ReadingI was in McDonald’s yeste …
I was in McDonald’s yesterday and saw a bloke kissing his Big Mac and rubbing it on his crotch. I said to him “Are you going to eat that?”. He says “No, I’m lovin’ it”..
Continue ReadingMy three unwritten rules …
My three unwritten rules : 1. 2. 3.
Continue ReadingRight. Time to turn the f …
Right. Time to turn the festive energy saving lights on. They’ll be ready by Christmas.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a cat in …
What do you call a cat in a chemist? Puss in boots.
Continue ReadingWhy can’t chavs think out …
Why can’t chavs think out of the box? They get stuck, innit.
Continue ReadingPrincess Diana would have …
Princess Diana would have been 50 this year. If only she’d stayed at 30.
Continue ReadingI got in a fight in a pla …
I got in a fight in a playground yesterday. I told some guy to stop stealing the equipment, he took a swing, and it all escalated from there.
Continue ReadingThere’s a female teacher …
There’s a female teacher at school who’s always telling jokes, but I never see the punchline coming. That’s Miss Direction for you.
Continue ReadingTwo bats hanging in a cav …
Two bats hanging in a cave and one says to the other “The thing that worries me most about getting old is incontinence”.
Continue ReadingMy mother told me not to …
My mother told me not to talk to strange men. Since I found out he collects bottle tops I’ve not said a word to my dad.
Continue ReadingI was doing a bit of scub …
I was doing a bit of scuba diving on an old German sub wreck. I wasn’t sure what I’d found, so I took parts to the British Maritime Museum. “Oooh, it’s a bit of an enigma,” the curator told me. He obviously wasn’t that good at his job, I thought.
Continue ReadingThere’s a poster outside …
There’s a poster outside my local Asda that says, ‘UK Baby Retailer Of The Year 2011’. They never have any out on the shelves.
Continue ReadingI was down the pub last n …
I was down the pub last night when my mate turned round and called me, “Odd.” It’s made me determined to get even.
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