My wife made the allegati …
My wife made the allegation “I think you’ve had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”. I said, “How can you say such a thing?”
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What is the nickname give …
What is the nickname given to Toddlers And Tiaras? The reason condoms were invented.
Continue ReadingI tell you what is dodgy. …
I tell you what is dodgy… Dodgeball.
Continue ReadingFool burglars in to think …
Fool burglars in to thinking you are home simply by leaving your door unlocked.
Continue ReadingI went for an audition th …
I went for an audition the other day to play the Invisible man. The director told me he couldn’t really see me in the role, so I got it.
Continue ReadingI recently made a car out …
I recently made a car out of windows. But it crashed.
Continue ReadingI recently developed a fo …
I recently developed a fondness for Siamese Vodka. We’re joined at the hip-flask.
Continue ReadingMy wife can’t control her …
My wife can’t control herself. Maybe I should give her the remote for her electronic wheelchair back.
Continue ReadingBBC News: “Are you a pare …
BBC News: “Are you a parent that struggles to help your children with their homework, We have ways to make it easier for you.” Yeah, don’t have a kid at 16.
Continue ReadingPaedophiles ruin it for i …
Paedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog.
Continue ReadingI was coming out of Marks …
I was coming out of Marks and Spencers earlier when a woman walked up to me and waved a charity box right in my face. How rude! I waved a tenner in her face and walked off.
Continue ReadingMy Chinese mate always te …
My Chinese mate always tells the truth. Believe Yu-Mi, he never lies.
Continue ReadingI’m really good at geogra …
I’m really good at geography. I could always find my way from A to B. One of the best train drivers there was.
Continue ReadingWhy do people say, “What …
Why do people say, “What you need is a nice cup of tea”? It’s not like there is ever a scenario where you would need, “A nasty cup of tea”.
Continue ReadingSpreadsheets: That’s wher …
Spreadsheets: That’s where I really Excel.
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