Top Gear are to replace T …
Top Gear are to replace The Stig with an ex-Police driver. Everyone already knows him as The Pig
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I dumped my blind girlfri …
I dumped my blind girlfriend of 2 years by text message. She didnt seeing it coming.
Continue ReadingI was sat on the top floo …
I was sat on the top floor of a double decker bus with my wife and my 5 year old son. I said look Jakey, we’re bigger than everyone up here. “Not bigger than Mummy though are we Dad” He replied I looked at him and then turned to my wife. Ive never been so […]
Continue ReadingWhat did Spock say when K …
What did Spock say when Kirk asked what washing powder he uses? “It’s biological captain”
Continue ReadingJust seen that advert abo …
Just seen that advert about deaf and blind children. Just 3 a month can bring a blind and deaf child into the world. But it took me 10 worth of bricks, a body bag and a lake to take mine out of this world.
Continue ReadingI can’t believe today’s h …
I can’t believe today’s heat. It’s not got Katie Price in it.
Continue ReadingI just went to buy some V …
I just went to buy some Velcro shoes and the prices were astonishing. What a rip off!
Continue ReadingI love it when she whispe …
I love it when she whispers sweet nothings into my ear, like “Aspartame”.
Continue ReadingPets At Home. “Where Pets …
Pets At Home. “Where Pets Come First” Liars.
Continue Reading“Schoolchildren injured a …
“Schoolchildren injured after bus crashes on way to Alton Towers” That’s now my day out sorted. At least the queue for Nemesis will be shorter.
Continue ReadingMy wife has a remarkable …
My wife has a remarkable body. Every time a bruise heals I give her another.
Continue Reading“These shoes are killing …
“These shoes are killing me!” Screamed my mate on mushrooms before taking his own life.
Continue ReadingMe and the family had the …
Me and the family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach. We got attacked by dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons. My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals.
Continue ReadingI always get criticised f …
I always get criticised for expressing phrases too literally. But at the end of the day, its night-time.
Continue ReadingThe widow of the man kill …
The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as saying@ “I’m so proud of my husband – he’s wanted to be a comedian for years, now he’s made the whole world laugh.”
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