A vacuum cleaner salesman …
A vacuum cleaner salesman appeared at my door and asked if I wanted a demonstration. After I said yes, he marched up and down the street with a banner saying ‘Buy This Hoover’!
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The oldest saying that I …
The oldest saying that I know is, “laughter is the best medicine”. It was obviously written before the discovery of alcohol.
Continue ReadingPeople insult me for my u …
People insult me for my use of long words but they can all catch pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and die.
Continue ReadingI did some fundraising fo …
I did some fundraising for my local zoo yesterday but no one gave a monkeys
Continue ReadingI’m hoping my in laws don …
I’m hoping my in laws don’t stay too long on Christmas day. But, just to make sure I’ve also invited the black couple from next door.
Continue ReadingScores of people killed a …
Scores of people killed at Muslim wedding. Now thats what I call a Turkish Delight.
Continue ReadingI was using the palm of m …
I was using the palm of my hand this morning instead of an ashtray, and the wife was complaining. Don’t know why though,the ashtray would’ve done a lot more damage.
Continue ReadingBought some of them slug …
Bought some of them slug traps the other day, you fill em with beer and apparently its supposed to drown them. They dont work ! Got woke up at half two this morning by a load of singing,only to find they had rearranged the plantpots.
Continue ReadingWar’s breaking out. There …
War’s breaking out. There’s constant threat of terrorism. Mother Nature is destroying countries. There’s a possibillity of the world ending next year.. What have these all got in common? None of them upset or anger the British community more than the new Facebook layout.
Continue ReadingIf there’s one thing this …
If there’s one thing this week has taught us, it’s that Italians have better aim than Iraqis.
Continue ReadingA customer is ordering fo …
A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant. “Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?” The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”
Continue ReadingI was looking through the …
I was looking through the dictionary today when I came to the word ‘deja vu’ I thought, “I’m sure I’ve seen that somewhere before.”
Continue ReadingI noticed a charity box a …
I noticed a charity box at work the other day with packets of sweets in. It was in aid for the Great Ormond St. Hospital Trust, and I also noticed the message “Please consider the children this Christmas” was written on it. So I nicked a couple of packets for the kids at home.
Continue ReadingI used to be a committed …
I used to be a committed Christian. The clinic was nice.
Continue ReadingI was driving around the …
I was driving around the industrial estate in my Land Rover and saw a sign on the roundabout advertising a “4 x 4 specialist” so I pulled in. Apparently, the answer’s 16.
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