The wife dragged me round …
The wife dragged me round the shops earlier and when we were standing in Cath Kidston I noticed a really scruffy Arab standing next to me. I think he was a shabby Sheikh.
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I had a dream that I was …
I had a dream that I was driving down the motorway in my car whilst making pancakes. All night tossing and turning
Continue ReadingMy wife has driven me to …
My wife has driven me to drink. We almost crashed on the way.
Continue ReadingLive off your parents unt …
Live off your parents until you can live off your children.
Continue ReadingI can’t stand piercings, …
I can’t stand piercings, they go right through me.
Continue ReadingMy dad had a go at me for …
My dad had a go at me for putting a knife in the toaster as I might electricute myself. I asked him why he didn’t mind my mum doing it. He said ‘she’s a woman if she’s so independent she can figure it our for herself or die trying.’ He now has a sickipedia account.
Continue ReadingNews Headline: Hitler dri …
News Headline: Hitler drinking game probed by Huddersfield university. Anyone else read this story for the simple purpose of finding out how it is played?
Continue ReadingThe Great Wall Of China; …
The Great Wall Of China; The longest wall in the world but not one cash point.
Continue ReadingHow do you make an aborti …
How do you make an abortion more interesting? Have it with chips!
Continue ReadingTip – Ruin your friend’s …
Tip – Ruin your friend’s kid’s summer by telling them mosquitos carry aids.
Continue ReadingHaving the boss and his w …
Having the boss and his wife round for dinner I tried to make everything perfect. I set the table, got out the best china and helped cook in the kitchen with the wife … Despite the best wine, the wife’s meat being perfectly tender, lovely music, it soon became obvious when the police arrived …. […]
Continue ReadingThe wife poured coffee al …
The wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. Then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went round to my mum’s place as […]
Continue ReadingI’ve just invented a vacc …
I’ve just invented a vaccine that prevents racism. I’m calling it an Enochulation.
Continue ReadingWent to see a comedian th …
Went to see a comedian this evening, he started making jokes about it being the summer solstice… That’s when I knew it was going to be a long night
Continue ReadingAs a teenager, I once sma …
As a teenager, I once smashed up a nestful of heron’s eggs. No egrets.
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