If there’s one thing toda …
If there’s one thing today’s taught me it’s that you don’t learn something new everyday.
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The editor of a thesaurus …
The editor of a thesaurus died today. His last words were: ‘least’, ‘lowest’, and ‘fewest’.
Continue ReadingBBC News: “Hurricane Higg …
BBC News: “Hurricane Higgins Dies Of Throat Cancer” Old snooker players never die. They just take a long rest.
Continue ReadingI recently cut 3 of my fi …
I recently cut 3 of my fingers off in a DIY accident. I haven’t felt the same since…
Continue ReadingWhat goes floppy after I’ …
What goes floppy after I’ve had a stroke. The left-hand side of my body.
Continue ReadingI don’t want to come acro …
I don’t want to come across lame but, One of my legs has stopped working.
Continue ReadingScience Fact: If you too …
Science Fact: If you took all of your veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Continue ReadingI was walking through tow …
I was walking through town yesterday when a bloke asked me if I wanted a balloon for my daughter. I said, “No, but you can have her for your watch.”
Continue ReadingA bit of advice for hungr …
A bit of advice for hungry young comedians… Eat something.
Continue ReadingIf I had a pound for ever …
If I had a pound for everytime a homeless person asked me for change I still wouldn’t give them any
Continue ReadingI work for Ro’ya’l’ Ma’il …
I work for Ro’ya’l’ Ma’il. Before you point out the punctuation errors in this statement, bear in mind that apostrophes can be used to represent missing letters.
Continue ReadingFarmville: Making the liv …
Farmville: Making the lives of pathetic, sad, lonely people that little bit sadder since 2009.
Continue ReadingI’ve just seen a demonstr …
I’ve just seen a demonstration by at least 500 people in London. God knows how many will turn up for the real thing.
Continue ReadingThe iPad: Because the iPh …
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
Continue ReadingMy wife always moans at m …
My wife always moans at me for typing in capitals. I wish she would get off my case.
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