I think I’m going to hang …
I think I’m going to hang myself later. That self portrait I had done is going to look great above the fireplace.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
i told my wife i had come …
i told my wife i had come into some money and i was going to let her spend it all… you should have seen her face when i gave her two ten pounds notes stuck together..
Continue ReadingEvery house needs a door, …
Every house needs a door, and that’s where I come in.
Continue ReadingI can’t wait to stay in t …
I can’t wait to stay in the brand new hotel I’ve just booked for my holiday, but I’m worried it won’t live up to its billing. I’ve definitely got my reservations.
Continue ReadingI lied on my CV to get a …
I lied on my CV to get a job. I claimed I had loads of previous experience in the field and they didn’t bother checking. Within an hour of starting my new job, I was exposed, humiliated and jeered at. It seems that fat middle-aged blokes don’t go down that well in strip clubs…
Continue Reading“BBC News 2247pm: In Manc …
“BBC News 2247pm: In Manchester, a recently opened fashion boutique in King Street owned by former Oasis singer Liam Gallagher has been hit by looters.” Clearly should have invested in a wonderwall.
Continue ReadingThe best advice I was eve …
The best advice I was ever given to me was by my mum: avoid people who give you drugs. I haven’t seen a doctor in years!
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a bee th …
What do you call a bee that eats other bees? Hannibal Nectar.
Continue ReadingWhen IT technicians get m …
When IT technicians get married, instead of saying ‘I do’ they say ‘I accept the Terms & Conditions’.
Continue ReadingI’d just perfected my Arc …
I’d just perfected my Arctic Monkeys-themed lollipops when my wife walked in. “They look tasty, what flavours are there” she asked. “Suck it and see” I replied.
Continue ReadingHow can someone who doesn …
How can someone who doesn’t know what the word what means, ask someone about what the word what means ?
Continue ReadingKids are so lucky today t …
Kids are so lucky today to have the internet. I must have been about 23 before I saw my first picture of a woman sucking off a donkey!
Continue ReadingMy Jewish neighbour hates …
My Jewish neighbour hates to see anything go to waste. He was diagnosed with cancer last month, so he’s taken up smoking.
Continue ReadingI met this farmer and he …
I met this farmer and he said, “It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad when you’ve got a cow that’s lactose intolerant. I said, “Don’t milk it.”
Continue ReadingI won the Lottery last ni …
I won the Lottery last night. I haven’t told the wife yet, I can’t use my phone on the plane.
Continue Reading