My general walked into th …
My general walked into the room and cried ‘Jenkins, status update!’ ‘Corporal Jenkins is making a sandwich’ was apparently not the correct response.
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My girlfriend kept on at …
My girlfriend kept on at me to send her a saucy picture So I sent her one of some ketchup
Continue ReadingI had to pull a few strin …
I had to pull a few strings to get my job as chief tester at the tampon factory.
Continue ReadingI had a discussion with m …
I had a discussion with my missus the other night about what my brain looks like. I cant get it out of my head.
Continue ReadingAmericans are lazy – slee …
Americans are lazy – sleeping in every morning. Trust me, I phone random US numbers when I wake up and they are always sleeping. And so rude as well.
Continue ReadingTrying to find evidence t …
Trying to find evidence that a farmer is a drug addict is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.
Continue ReadingA loving smile from my wi …
A loving smile from my wife is like sunshine on a rainy day. Nowhere to be seen.
Continue ReadingI’ve just split up a figh …
I’ve just split up a fight between a lemon and a lime. They’re such bitter rivals.
Continue ReadingA piece of gold walks int …
A piece of gold walks into a bar. The Barman says “Au, get out of here”
Continue ReadingI came home tonight and s …
I came home tonight and said to the wife, “Guess what babe? I’ve booked us a holiday!” She said, “You’re kidding! Where are we going?” I said,”Well let me put it this way. Do you like camel trekking?” She said, “Oh my God! India? Africa?” I said, “No, Blackpool. It’s the cheapest way to get […]
Continue Reading“Doctor, I can’t stop sho …
“Doctor, I can’t stop shouting Booyacashew!” “That sounds like a nut Ali G”
Continue ReadingIt’s pretty stupid how ca …
It’s pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new… …Hold on, gotta check my iPhone.
Continue ReadingI’m enjoying being a Klep …
I’m enjoying being a Kleptomaniac so much that sometimes I have to pinch myself.
Continue ReadingBarbie has a twitter acco …
Barbie has a twitter account. How gullible do they think we are? Like we’re suppose to believe that she has time to be on twitter.
Continue ReadingMy mate Dave just introdu …
My mate Dave just introduced me to his new girlfriend. “Dave you’re punching well above your weight mate.” “You think she’s as beautiful as I do?” “No.” I said, “She’s a fat cow.”
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