Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked […]
Continue ReadingMy neighbour’s chocolate labrador really confused me. It tasted of chicken.
Continue ReadingIf I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need I would probably make a donation
Continue ReadingMy mate said I have an obsession with hitting inanimate objects. I got so angry I punched him in his stupid, lying kettle.
Continue ReadingMy dog loves me, but I’m pretty sure if I dropped dead at home, he’d chew my face off the minute he got hungry.
Continue ReadingI’ve taken steps to prevent the midget from next door from peering over the fence while my wife’s sunbathing. His steps to be precise.
Continue ReadingI won 10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on. “Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.” “Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!” Can’t help thinking she’s misunderstood what I said.
Continue ReadingSaw a homeless man getting off the bus earlier, I thought, ‘how does he know it’s his stop.’
Continue ReadingI used to think i was a really good creative writer. Turns out it was just my imagination.
Continue ReadingMcDonald’s. About as much nutritional value as taking a dump in your own mouth.
Continue ReadingI was talking to my mother about my grandfather the other day, “So how did he die?” I asked. “Oh your grandfather?” She said, “he died in action.” She continued, “Where abouts?” I replied. “In the living room,” she said. “He overdid it on Wii Sports”.
Continue ReadingI got a faulty plug socket for my birthday. I was shocked.
Continue ReadingMy vacuum cleaner is called William. Named after Di’s son.
Continue ReadingAnother man’s Joke Is Another man’s Status
Continue ReadingIf you’re ever thinking about owning up, don’t bother. It’s not as good as Toy Story 3.
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