I’ve always wanted to bre …
I’ve always wanted to break an egg with one hand and I think I’ve finally cracked it.
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I don’t understand why As …
I don’t understand why Asda fired me from the alcohol section of the store.
Continue ReadingWhen you’re writing, when …
When you’re writing, when should you use a question mark.
Continue ReadingI had Windows M.E but I c …
I had Windows M.E but I couldn’t be bothered to use it…
Continue ReadingI can’t help noticing how …
I can’t help noticing how many ethnics are getting into snooker. Soon it will be a case of spot the white.
Continue ReadingThe newlywed wife said to …
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his […]
Continue ReadingI got kicked out of India …
I got kicked out of India after I tackled an actress! The authorities didn’t believe me when I said I saw a sniper’s dot on her forehead….
Continue ReadingHow many times is it appr …
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
Continue ReadingI’ve always thought that …
I’ve always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why i’ve just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping
Continue ReadingWell, I seem to have got …
Well, I seem to have got through Friday the 13th without anything bad happening to me. My wife, on the other hand, has had a shocking day. She died in a car accident.
Continue ReadingJust bought some new Shak …
Just bought some new Shakespearin pain killers. They come in capulets.
Continue ReadingMe and the lads were on a …
Me and the lads were on a night out. Steve was dressed as Spiderman, Dave came as Buzz Lightyear, Joe was a Smurf, and I came in a flowing satin and embroidered ball gown. “So, what you come as?” they asked. “I was going to say the same to you. The email clearly stated that […]
Continue ReadingI was talking to a really …
I was talking to a really attractive girl at a corporate event earlier today and I completely messed up my chat-up line. “So you’re in corporate hospitality?” I said flirtatiously. “I’d quite like to hospitalise you myself.”
Continue ReadingHonestly, people these da …
Honestly, people these days are so rude. I got so much abuse the other day for not giving up my seat on the bus for a heavily pregnant woman. I argued my case but it only seemed to make it worse when I explained how much more difficult it was to use my iPad standing […]
Continue ReadingI have a black friend who …
I have a black friend who cleans out my ears when he comes round He is my cotton bud
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