Hate it when people hand …
Hate it when people hand over a picture and say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger”. Not exactly going to hand over a picture and say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was older”, are you?
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
I was driving through a t …
I was driving through a town the other day and saw a sign that said: “Slow Down. Please Consider Our Kids.” So I did. But the ones I saw were all fat and ugly, so I kept going.
Continue ReadingToday I lost a good frien …
Today I lost a good friend. We never said much to each other, however we may as well have been joined at the hip. I’ll never forget those days where we walked home together – and those sweet words you would whisper in my ear. R.I.P Sony MDR – E818LP Acoustic T Turbo Headphones
Continue Reading2 Men go into a pub and s …
2 Men go into a pub and sit down to eat their lunches. “Oi, you can’t eat your own lunch here!” the barman says the two blokes look at each other, then swap their lunches.
Continue Readingblack man walks into a li …
black man walks into a library and asks for a book on crime.. librarian returns with a book on irony..
Continue ReadingWhen my wife asked me to …
When my wife asked me to sponsor her in aid of breast cancer for sport relief, I ran a mile.
Continue ReadingMy missus was cooking din …
My missus was cooking dinner and spilt gravy down the front of her blouse when she was tasting it. She looked at her blouse and said, “Eee, I look like a pig!” I now truly regret saying, “Yes you do darling, you’re also covered in gravy!”
Continue ReadingThey say that diamonds ar …
They say that diamonds are a girls best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention.
Continue ReadingMy wife’s been hitting th …
My wife’s been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently. Still can’t get the last of that ketchup out though.
Continue ReadingA few hours after my daug …
A few hours after my daughter drank all of my tomato juice, she got her first period. Now I have to decide whether to educate her about periods, or have the whole carton of juice to myself next time.
Continue ReadingImagine a world where eve …
Imagine a world where everyone constantly thought up elaborate fictional situations and discussed them as if they were real. Hypothetically speaking of course.
Continue ReadingI can read a book in unde …
I can read a book in under a second. After all,it’s only two words.
Continue ReadingI don’t know how people m …
I don’t know how people manage to be married to their jobs. I can’t even manage a civil partnership with mine.
Continue ReadingI was asked to be a speak …
I was asked to be a speaker at a charity event next weekend. I’ve just finished painting a giant cardboard box black for my costume.
Continue ReadingI have not been to confes …
I have not been to confession since I wet myself in school. I’ve not been to another parent’s evening since.
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