I was playing darts in th …
I was playing darts in the pub last night and hit a double with my last shot. The barman threw me out for throwing my drinks around.
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I make my dog work for hi …
I make my dog work for his treats. R.I.P Rover, that conservatory job was just too much for you.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Middlesbrough L …
BBC News: Middlesbrough Ladies Football Team excited by trip to North Korea I bet they are. Going to a place thats less depressing than Middlesbrough is something to get excited about!
Continue ReadingMEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOP …
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will […]
Continue ReadingTwo planes landed back in …
Two planes landed back in England today. One was filled with overpaid cabin crew who will strike every other week because life isn’t as cushy as it used to be. The other charged me 80 Euro because my bag was 0.2kg heavier than they said it could be. I don’t know who I respect more. […]
Continue ReadingWhat did the exhausted de …
What did the exhausted deer say as she staggered out of the forest? “That’s the last time I’m doing that for ten bucks.”
Continue ReadingI recently had to do some …
I recently had to do some community service for vandilism, I had a choice between working at the pub I vandalised or going to prison. Obviously I chose prison, it was either that or 48 hours behind bars.
Continue ReadingThe best thing about scho …
The best thing about school girls is that as I get older, they stay the same age.
Continue ReadingMy mate hasn’t got a job …
My mate hasn’t got a job – he spends all his time on his hobby deep sea diving for coral. What a sponger.
Continue ReadingI keep some people’s phon …
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Continue ReadingAn obnoxious American tol …
An obnoxious American told me how proud he was to be living in a free country. I told him you get what you pay for.
Continue ReadingIronically, black jokes d …
Ironically, black jokes don’t work on black people.
Continue ReadingApple’s next overpriced & …
Apple’s next overpriced & unnecessary product will be dedicated to those people who stand in queues for hours just to get one… It’s called the iDiot.
Continue ReadingA homeless guy knocked on …
A homeless guy knocked on my door last night: “Excuse me, do you have any spare food?” “Yeah, do you mind if it’s yesterday’s dinner?” “Not at all.” “Come back tomorrow then.”
Continue ReadingA man in a wheelchair was …
A man in a wheelchair was shouting at a man yesterday in the supermarket for no apparent reason. He was being so aggressive towards the man I thought I better intervene. All I said was “Step off.” and I was painted as the bad guy.
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