As I quickly closed the tab, the manager of the internet cafe walked towards me. He took one look at my screen and saw nothing but the Google homepage. “Sir,” he said sternly, “I know what you have been doing and we do not tolerate that in here.” I furiously stated that I wasn’t doing […]
Continue ReadingToday we discovered the origins of the Quark. Turns out it was just a posh duck.
Continue ReadingGingers always remind me of Twitter; They have no friends, just people they follow.
Continue ReadingMy wife and I recently decided to make a will. Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with and we thought will was a nice name.
Continue ReadingWhen I see a learner driver coming towards me, I like to swerve all over the road like I’m drunk, just to keep them on their toes. I mean, if they can’t react well to that, they’re not ready to drive in my opinion. Don’t you agree officer?
Continue ReadingIf your girlfriend’s bra is empty… Fillet.
Continue ReadingI was asked recently if I’d like to join a band, as they could really do with my finger snapping technique for the choruses. I told them I wasn’t interested in joining their clique.
Continue ReadingThe fire brigade tried to put out a fire at my haunted house but failed. All they managed to do was dampen my spirits.
Continue ReadingPixar did well to abandon the original draft. Tolstory was supposed to be twelve hours long, and in Russian.
Continue ReadingI listen to my wife making up the most unbelievable stories at 4 in the morning. I don’t wake her up though, I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.
Continue ReadingI went to see a bearded dragon today… …or as my wife prefers me to call her, the mother in law.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to be a taxi driver. The librarian replies “It’s just around the corner.”
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference between Greengrocers and men who watch X Factor? Greengrocers have a pear.
Continue ReadingIt’s the final of Miss World 2011 next week. My money’s on Heskey.
Continue ReadingNews : ‘Beer Prices Slashed In Supermarkets’. Why would someone do that? Now people can’t read what the price of the beer actually is.
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