I bought a sniper rifle to try and shoot my wife. I climbed to the very top of a tree in the park and tried to shoot her as she climbed out of the car outside our house, but missed. Maybe I’m setting my sights too high.
Continue ReadingI had to do a speech about time wasting. It lasted seven hours.
Continue ReadingFriends are like potatoes: if you eat them, they die.
Continue ReadingI gathered everyone together. “I heard several monkey chants today as I’m sure you all did. This is totally unacceptable in this day and age, and if it happens again I will have no hesitation in packing my bags and leaving.” There was a short silence in the room before someone asked, “Is this your […]
Continue ReadingI was walking down the high street when a guy came up to me. “Excuse me sir.” he said, “I’m doing a survey, would you like to take part?” I replied, “No thanks, standing around with a clipboard asking questions to strangers isn’t really my thing.”
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend said “How do I lower the lights in the lounge?” I told her “Use the dimmer switch” She replied “They all look the same colour to me”
Continue ReadingPaddy said to Mick, “This 568 mls of Guinness is far better than your 284 mls.” Mick said, “You’ve got a point der, Paddy.”
Continue ReadingI spoke to my sons teacher today. He said, ‘I commend your child’ I said, ‘I’m sure you can.. but I’m not sure he’s even broken”
Continue ReadingI’m currently reading a pullout about alternative contraceptive methods.
Continue ReadingAfter a 30 mile police chase on the M1 yesterday I decided that the best thing to do was to pull over and continue on foot. It was at this point the criminal got away, Sir.
Continue ReadingWhen I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.
Continue ReadingAQA GCSE Exam Question: Do you think exam questions are getting easier? A. Yes B. David Beckham
Continue ReadingI booted a spastic in the face the other day. I just love to kick things when they’re down.
Continue ReadingMy neighbours’ kids are missing after being sucked into an inlet pipe at a sewage farm. I can’t imagine what they must be going through.
Continue ReadingI pulled a muscle in my neck today and I’m not sure how, i just can’t get my head round it.
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