I took one of my chickens …
I took one of my chickens to “Bring your pet to work day” He loved meeting everyone but wasn’t too keen on the lunch arrangements.
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My son made it to the fin …
My son made it to the final of the model railway championships. Unfortunately he lost it on points.
Continue ReadingI don’t trust windows I c …
I don’t trust windows I can see straight through them
Continue ReadingI had loads to drink last …
I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath. Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I’d sobered up. “How did you know I was […]
Continue ReadingRemember days before comp …
Remember days before computers? Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider’s home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip […]
Continue ReadingI recorded last week’s lo …
I recorded last week’s lottery and, knowing the result, bought my wife a ticket for Wednesday’s draw. When she thinks she’s won she’ll have a heart-attack. That’ll get her back for burning my toast.
Continue ReadingOn holiday in France, I r …
On holiday in France, I ran out of batteries for my mp3 player, and so I went to buy some. After trying 6 different shops with no luck,, I eventually arrived at a bar and thought i’d see if they had any. I walked up to the bloke at the bar and said, “Hi, i’m […]
Continue ReadingTo gain weight, takeaway …
To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.
Continue ReadingI looked up “redirect” in …
I looked up “redirect” in the dictionary. It read, “See divert”.
Continue ReadingJokes are never as funny …
Jokes are never as funny when you have to explain the punchline. Which brings me to this joke, which is funny because while the “set up” line is a complaint about having to explain the joke, the punchline itself is an explanation of the joke itself, thus creating a sort of humorous irony.
Continue ReadingTake a tip from me. I’ve …
Take a tip from me. I’ve got loads, but only one snooker cue.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the definition of …
What’s the definition of “Meat ‘n’ two veg”? Having a rendevouz with a couple of disabled people.
Continue ReadingSave money on expensive p …
Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle.
Continue ReadingMy mate asked me who had …
My mate asked me who had made Germany’s 23 man squad for the European Championships I said “Klose, but no Sieger”
Continue ReadingMy grandfather said to me …
My grandfather said to me, “You never know what’s going to happen next” Right before he was attacked by a Down syndrome sufferer wielding a pink baseball bat.
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