I rubbed a magic lamp and …
I rubbed a magic lamp and wished for the genie to not wear any underwear. He said, “Your wish is me Commando?”
Continue ReadingWent to a Chinese restaur …
Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said “be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity ” so I left without paying.
Continue ReadingI was tossing and turning …
I was tossing and turning all night last night. I work nightshift at a pancake factory.
Continue ReadingWheelchair-bound bank rob …
Wheelchair-bound bank robbers. They won’t get away with it.
Continue ReadingMy doctor said I have ADD …
My doctor said I have ADD. So he precribed me with SUBTRACT.
Continue ReadingThe other day I stole a r …
The other day I stole a revolver made of gelatin. The next day I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Manchester City and Swine Flu? At least Swine Flu is reaching Europe.
Continue ReadingA detective was stabbed a …
A detective was stabbed at a robbery in a bookies today. I’m trying to find out the odds of that happening.
Continue ReadingThey say in Norwich: “You …
They say in Norwich: “You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your wife.”
Continue ReadingSelling my wife: Relative …
Selling my wife: Relatively good condition. Slightly broken heart.
Continue ReadingUNO Number 1 game in Spai …
UNO Number 1 game in Spain.
Continue ReadingI went for an interview t …
I went for an interview this afternoon. I was asked “What experience do you have with the subject matter for this role?” I replied “I have a great experience with them and use them on a regular basis for work and pleasure”. I never did hear back from the Child Protection Agency. Or the RSPCA. […]
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend threw a pla …
My girlfriend threw a plant at me and said, “I can’t handle your terrible puns anymore, this relationship is over!” I said, “Please don’t leaf me! LEAF! Haha! ….where are you going?”
Continue ReadingI was tapping some quaver …
I was tapping some quavers on the piano earlier and I thought, “I wish I’d have bought Monster Munch instead.”
Continue ReadingI’m opening a coffee shop …
I’m opening a coffee shop that sells the ideal coffee to damage your lungs. It’s made from the finest coughy beans.
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