Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir has been accused of dancing on Steven Gatelys grave for money. What a mug, after today well all be able to dance on his grave for free.
“Do you accept cards as payment?” I asked the lad in the takeaway. “Of course, Sir”, he replied, smiling. “Great”, I replied, “this one is an old birthday card.”
Two blondes were sat in traffic on the road. One says “It’s normally much quicker than this.” “Last time we got a lift with Dave though.” the driver replies. “What’s that got to do with it?” says the first. “Well, he knew how to make the engine start.”
James Bond goes to a Christmas fancy dress party, one of his friends say to him, “James, you smell absolutely lovely! But what have you come as?” To which he replies, “A mint spy”
My elder brother is really vain. My earliest memories are of him standing in front of a mirror. Until I was four years old, I thought he was twins.
My mum lost her battle with Cancer yesterday. She was spitting some sick rhymes though.
What do you get when you cross an encyclopaedia with a homeless person? A personal appeal from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales
Graham Onions is such a good cricketer. Just watching him brings a tear to my eye.
Watching the beach volleyball just now. People try to put it down but it requires excellent hand-eye co-ordination… seemingly it’s even harder when your playing it!
My girlfriend’s just left me because i told her i loved Paedophillia… i thought everybody liked cream cheese spread?
Never ask a black barman for a shot.
I texted my friend earlier saying, ‘I’m having a party for my birthday.’ He replied, ‘That’s not much information mate, elaborate?’ I said, ‘Not really, just a few people round for some beers.’
Why did the right angle triangle go to the beach? Because it was 90 degrees.
The body of a second US sailor missing in Afghanistan has been found. I’d guess he drowned when he fell off his ship of the desert.
I’ve started doing a magic act for the people I’ve kidanpped. I like to have a captive audience.